Once, somebody told me...

Grandmothers balcony
Originally uploaded by cooling

I remember somebody telling me how stupid it sounds when I say that music can heal.
I remember somebody telling me how stupid it sounds when I say that writing poems and songs can heal.
I remember somebody telling me how stupid it is when I say that I want to live my own life.
I remember somebody telling me how stupid I am because I am who I am.
I remember somebody telling me not to cry when I get slaped.
I remember somebody telling me not to scream when something bad happens.
I remember somebody telling me that people around me die because I am bad.
I remember somebody telling me that noone can be my friend because I look like the way I do.
I remember somebody telling me...... much more than what I could ever write down.

Sometimes I remember someone telling me that I shouldn't be alive.

Oh well...

Tannermoor, Austria
Originally uploaded by cooling

I really don't know why I have this blog. I don't write, I don't tell people about it so.. what is the reason of all of this? No idea... no idea..

The last few days I had to think a lot about my child who I lost as unborn. And also about the "father" of my girl.
3 days back I started again to dream about the rape and now I don't want to go to sleep anymore.

However.
Other things from my past are running in my head.
I feel very squashd.... I've no idea what to say... everything is just meaningless...

Life goes on for some but not for everyone

That's it...

Peterbilt 377 A/E
Originally uploaded by _crucify_.

When I was a little kid I had 2 dreams.
Either I'll become a trucker or a social-worker.
Things never seem to work like I wanted but this year will change.
How?
Well, it may be for most people pretty unusual that a girl wants to be a trucker. But here I am - this is the first time since 2 years I know what I really wanna do.
I wrote many many applications for different kinds of jobs but always got a negative feedback. It's hard to find an apprenticeship in austria as professional trucker.. just in case you're wondering what that means: there are only 6 advertisement in whole austria of firms who search trucker for an apprenticeship. That's much, isn't it? LOL
I probably will go to germany if things don't change. There they search more people for that kind of job. Well well... we'll see.

BTW, this blue truck you see.. was my first model construction truck.
(don't put this on a level with model-trucks you just buy, unpack and put it into a showcase)

How to explain

Fear
Originally uploaded by _crucify_.

How shall I explain what it means to have a Social Phobia/Social Anxiety?
I hurt myself with it.
There is so much I have to do but I can't.
I started to lie because of it.
For example:
I told my sweety that I will go to the employment office.
(And I had an appointment !! That wasn't a lie)
But I wasn't able to do so...
I went out of house, drove to the employment office, but I wasn't able to go in. I turned back, my heart was thumping so hard, I started to sweat.. it wasn't funny anymore.. And I went back home.
So here I am - hating myself about my incompetence to get a life, my incompetence to tell the truth, my incompetence to get over this phobia....

Maybe it's because I don't feel like my sweety understand what it means to have social phobia....

I know exactly, when my honey comes back - I will tell her another lie about the appointment..... maybe she's gonna read this and then she'll know....
Somehow I hope so..
Somehow I don't.

......

::-mhm-::

Kathryn Morris
Originally uploaded by _crucify_.

Don't know...
I think she's too thin but many people say she's not.
What do you think?
Wondering who this is?
Her name is Kathryn Morris, plays Lilly Rush on Cold Case.
She got my new.. let's call it "obsession".
What do you see?
Ugly woman?
Nice woman?
Beautiful woman?
Young woman?
Old woman?
Thin woman?
Normal..?
I really would like to know what you think!

Life works okay right now. Some things bring me down.
Don't wanna talk about them....
Currently I'm doing a lot of artwork, photoshop stuff.. Maybe I'm gonna post something of that stuff on flickr and then in another blahblah here on the blog.

Do you have many friends?
What are your obsessions?

:--:

sunset somewhere in austria
Originally uploaded by _crucify_.

This isn't an interesting post.
But I wanted to say HELLOO I'm still here!

Some things happend those days and I can't handle all of them.
But ey, that's why we're here, right?
To find out how to handle with things...
OMG I write so stupid stuff.. but that's typical for me, isn't it?

Currently I would love to travel to Newzealand RIGHT NOW.
Dunno why, maybe I want to get to know the people, the landscape,...
everything.
Found some books about the Maori, but it's really hard to find any informations about them here. eg. I would love to learn the language, but nowhere you can learn it... I found 1 cd which shows a bit about the language but that's it.

What do you think about my picture?
Doesn't really look like the sun, does it?

It was so hot the last few days and now it's not really raining, more breezy, yep - really breezy (like that word, sounds cute).....it's okay for now, but not for tomorrow - I'm gonna ride my bike with my friend for sure so... ooohhh I start again with writing things noone wants to know - either me, lol

Alright..
Hope everyone will have a great week-end!

trigger cheese

Yep, that's what I call it.
The trigger cheese
MY trigger cheese
no comment.